He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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