i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
