I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
