Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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