...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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