Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
