What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
