I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Panties = found
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
