On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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