y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
