Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
