I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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