Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
