I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
God, I missed his penis.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
