i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
