walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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