I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
