I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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