Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
