i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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