So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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