at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
