I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
