My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
