i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Your cock deserves a montage
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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