If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
