This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
