I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I understand Curling. That high.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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