you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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