I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
