If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Oh god it's open bar.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
