dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
