If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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