I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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