This is not my ceiling
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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