I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
