I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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