We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
