I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
