I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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