this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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