I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Randomize
