no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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