I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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