I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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