if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
