Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You may now shotgun with the bride
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
