So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
