I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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