She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I have tasted many bathrooms
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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