Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
