I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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